Trailer - Welcome to The Real Question, a new show from Not Sorry, hosted by Vanessa Zoltan and Casper ter Kuile! Each week we’ll explore life’s questions through a surprising mix of pop culture and academic insight.

Is it weird to steal children’s body parts in the middle of the night and teach them that it’s okay?

After playing the Tooth Fairy for her two step-daughters, Vanessa is having doubts about the appropriateness of this supposedly silly childhood ritual. Drawing up a recent article about the Marquis de Sade and the song Super Trouper from Mamma Mia, Vanessa and Casper try to wade through the fears that a parent can have for their kids.

If you don’t learn to drive, are you failing to equip yourself for adult life? 

Casper has promised himself every summer that *this* is the year he’s going to learn how to drive. And yet each year passes and Casper is no closer to having a license. Drawing upon The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel and the song Walk the Road by Kate Rusby, Casper and Vanessa try to sort out which goals it’s okay to give up on. 

CW: This episode discusses multiple instances of sexual assault and violent crime.

In 2014, Vanessa was obsessed with the Woody Allen/Dylan Farrow case. Now that there’s a new documentary out on the topic, she knows she’s in danger of falling back into the ‘story’. But what’s the virtue of following a story of sexual assault so closely? Is it good to know the facts? Or is it just using the horrors of someone else’s life as our entertainment? Drawing upon The Art of Cruelty by Maggie Nelson and the TV show Veronica Mars, Vanessa and Casper try to define how to have a healthy relationship with news stories about sexual assault specifically, and the True Crime genre in general.

Casper wants to feel closer to his paternal grandparents. But there’s a problem: they’ve been dead for a few years now. Is there a way, as he grows older, for him to keep his grandparents an active part of his life?

Drawing upon The Suitcase by Frances Stoner Saunders and Children and Art from the musical Sunday in the Park with George, Casper and Vanessa think through how grief changes over time.

Sometimes apologies that seem 'good' technically, don't actually make Vanessa feel any better.

Is there a formula for a good apology? How do you explain yourself, but still take responsibility? Drawing upon Dirty Dancing and Letter From Birmingham Jail by Martin Luther King Jr., Casper and Vanessa think through which apologies feel the most genuine and why.

What do we owe our neighbors? When Casper first moved to New York, he put a lot of effort into getting to know the other people in his apartment building. He even threw a rooftop party so that everyone could have the chance to meet one another. Now, as he’s settling into his life in NYC, he’s asking himself how much effort he really wants to put into knowing his neighbors. Should he throw another party for the new people moving into the building? Or is okay to spend his time building community with friends and family instead?

Drawing on the book Community by Peter Block and Game of Thrones, Casper and Vanessa think through how much we should be valuing neighborliness and local community in our lives.

CW: We discuss weight loss and size in this episode.

Vanessa owns the perfect polka dot dress. It’s sophisticated yet flirty, it makes her feel amazing every time she wears it, and it has the cutest gold button on the back. The problem is: Vanessa no longer fits in this dress. She hasn’t fit in it for a while now. Should she hold onto it just in case? Or is it time to say goodbye?

Drawing on the poem One Art by Elizabeth Bishop and the Disney movie Lilo & Stitch, Vanessa and Casper work through the questions and difficulties of body positivity.

Casper used to believe that there was no such thing as evil. But since the Trump presidency, he can't suppress the creeping feeling that some people genuinely don't have good intentions. Does that count as evil?

Drawing on the philosophy and letters of Hannah Arendt and the movie adaptation of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Vanessa and Casper work through what Casper truly believes about what evil is and how it operates in our world.

Following up on last week’s conversation, Casper and Vanessa return to some questions about the nature of evil. When do people do evil things and how do we prevent that from happening in ourselves?

Drawing on the theology St. Augustine of Hippo (as shared by our friend Nick Hayes) and The Lord’s Prayer, Vanessa and Casper try and figure out how to keep ourselves oriented towards good in the world.

This week, we’re joined by special guest Brigid Goggin who is bringing her own question to the podcast. Brigid loves setting boundaries and saying no. But as a person who suffers from anxiety, she worries that sometimes she is saying ‘no’ for the wrong reasons. How do you know when you should actually be saying 'yes' to something?

Drawing on the song Climb Every Mountain from The Sound of Music, and the book Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, Brigid, Vanessa and Casper think through how community can help us make good decisions.

The term 'Karen' has imbedded itself in our culture, and as a white woman, Vanessa is keenly aware of the moments she might be called a Karen. But she's not quite sure when she's actually being a Karen, and when she's advocating for herself in a sexist society.

Drawing on the movies Terms of Endearment and Mommy Dearest, Vanessa and Casper discuss women's anger and what to do with it. This episode is Part 1 of a two part series, we'll be back next week with further exploration of what it means to be a Karen! Next week, we're focusing specifically on the racial dynamic inherent to the term.

Casper has lot of rituals in his life to slow down: he keeps a sabbath every week, he spends time at a monastery every few months. But still, he rarely feels truly relaxed. What's standing in his way, and what does it take to get there?

Drawing on wisdom from The West Wing and German Philosopher Josef Pieper, Vanessa and Casper unpack what our culture has come to assume about work and worthiness and examine whether there's something spiritual about leisure.

Vanessa has a friend she wants to break-up with. The case is very clear cut: This person did something awful, and Vanessa no longer wants this person in her life. Does Vanessa owe it to this person to tell her that the friendship is over? And how does she tell the other people who might be effected by this friend break-up?

Drawing on Jacques Derrida's theory of friendships and the U.S. version of The Office, Vanessa and Casper discern how to know when a friendship is over and what the right way convey that information is.

Following the death of his grandmother, Casper has had some uncomfortable and unresolved questions about death and the afterlife. He used to feel very certain that death was the 'end' everything, but now he's not so sure. Is there such a thing as a 'soul'? And if so, does it go somewhere when the body dies?

Drawing on Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace and a medieval illustration of death, Casper and Vanessa explore ideas about death, dying, and how we remember those who are gone.

Every summer Vanessa goes to Germany with her partner, Peter. And every summer, Vanessa gets stuck around the dinner table at night surrounded by people speaking German (a language she does not speak). What she really wants to do in that situation is pull out a book… but that’s rude right?

Drawing on Romance Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn and the essay ‘Reflections on the Rights Use of School Studies with a View to the Love of God’ by Simone Weil, Vanessa and Casper examine what rudeness really is and when we should be willing to step our toe over the line.

Casper is getting to the age where he feels like he and his husband ’should’ start thinking about buying a house, but he doesn’t know if he really wants to. On the one hand, there's so much love and stability that is wrapped up in owning a house. On the other hand, he doesn't know if he ever wants to settle on one future in one place. Maybe buying a house would limit his future possibilities?

With help from a picture of his childhood home, and theologian Walter Breuggemann, Casper and Vanessa discuss how to intentionally cultivate hospitality and whether stability is a goal or an illusion in life.

Vanessa sometimes tells white lies in low stakes situations. Lies like ‘yes, I love that dress!’ or ‘I really enjoyed meeting your boyfriend!’ Are these lies good for her relationships? Or do they make her untrustworthy?

With help from Trust Exercise by Susan Choi and Grey’s Anatomy, Vanessa and Casper try to untangle the relationship between truth and trust and figure out when it’s okay to lie. 

Recently, Casper’s been looking back on his life with regret: he should have kissed more boys when he was younger! But what is he supposed to do with that feeling now? And how can he make sure that he’s living his life in a way that he won’t regret in the future?

With help from a poem by Lucille Clifton and How Proust Can Change your Life by Alain de Baton, Casper and Vanessa try to parse what exactly the feeling of 'regret' is and what we can learn from it. 

Vanessa has some friendships that feel more like obligations than pleasures. What does she do with these friends? Does she break-up with them? Does stick it out and hope that they become fun again? Does she tell them how she feels? And how does she do any of it without hurting the people she cares about?

With help from the musical Waitress and Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving, Vanessa and Casper weigh the value of clear communication versus the potentially healthy ebb and flow of life-long friendships.

John Green has spent much of his life and career online. The community that he’s built there has been one of his greatest joys and achievements. But more and more he feels like his time on social media is poisoning his sense of well-being. Should he just give it up? Or would that be turning his back on something too valuable?

With help from an essay by Thomas Berry and an episode of the podcast Your Undivided Attention, John, Vanessa and Casper explore the addictive quality of being online and if there's anyway to escape it.

Casper has never liked his middle name. He’s ready to change it to something more meaningful to him, but how does he go about picking the right replacement?

With help from John O’Donohue and Call Me By Your Name, Casper and Vanessa explore the connection between re-naming and a spiritual life.

Vanessa doesn't know what to do when people ask her 'are you okay?' A lot of the time, she is not okay. She lives with a chronic illness, so unfortunately that kind of comes with the territory. On the one hand, radical honesty and communication is good. On the other hand, other people have their own problems. And most of the time, it's not like anyone can actually help.

With help from I Am, I Am, I Am by Maggie O'Farrell and Cinderella, Vanessa and Casper explore the allure of a 'suck-it-up' mentality and how to be in relationship as someone who's hurting.

Casper is suspicious of the value he puts on beauty in his life. He knows that he doesn't want to judge human bodies by their aesthetics, that much makes sense. But is it okay to love other forms of beauty out in the world? Or is that problematic too?

With the help of a Shakespearean sonnet and 'How Fair This Spot' by Rachmaninoff, Casper and Vanessa untangle how to think about beauty as a moral category.

Vanessa has had a lot of really positive interactions with strangers. However there are moments when strangers, for whatever reason, trigger her defense mechanisms. What should she do in those moments? She doesn't want to be naive - there are people out there who can hurt you or take advantage of you. But also, she knows it's important to be kind whenever possible.

With help from Thelma and Louise and an episode of Radiolab, Vanessa and Casper discuss whether we should assume good intentions in strangers.

Every so often Vanessa scrolls through photos on her phone and runs into some memories she’d rather forget. Should she just delete those photos? Or are those bad memories something productive? 

With help from Spotlight and Mad About You, Vanessa and Casper explore what it means to re-write our own historical record and when we should do it.

Casper has a soft spot in his heart for the monarchy. He understands all the absurdities of the institution, but he can’t get rid of that feeling that he associates with childhood and history and national identity. Is it okay to have that feeling knowing what he knows intellectually? Or should he be trying to get rid of it? 

With help from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf and The Mirror and the Light by Hilary Mantel, Casper and Vanessa reflect on what it means to glorify national stories and how to go about dismantling them.

Back in May, Vanessa brought us the question 'am I a Karen?' That episode focused on gender and the way systems of power can fail and frustrate women. This week we bring you part two of that conversation, where we discuss the racial dynamic at play in the Karen meme. We were incredibly lucky to be joined by Dr. Apryl Williams for this conversation. Dr. Williams is a multidisciplinary scholar who studies the experience of race and racism in digital spaces.

Casper is feeling a lot of nostalgia for his graduate school experience. There are so many times in his day to day life where he feels like he should know more and he wishes that he had a teacher to guide him. He's been trying to teach himself, but it just doesn't feel the same. Should he just go back to school?

With help from Legally Blonde and Hermes Trismegistus, Casper and Vanessa explore how learning gets institutionalized and how we can make room for it after school is over. 

Vanessa used to have a helpful story she told herself about her depression. She let herself stay in bed some days and understood that it was important for her health. But lately, she hasn’t been staying in bed. The story seems…broken, like it doesn’t fit the new version of her life. Is there a new story that could help her take care of herself better?

With help from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Cheryl Strayed, Vanessa and Casper explore how to think about mental health when there’s so much pressure to be productive. 

Risa has a family member who isn’t getting vaccinated and the relationship is really troubling her. She wants to respect the values of the person she loves, but is finding that hard to do when the ‘right thing’ seems to be so clear.

With help from a Brandy Carlile song and a blog post by Lilach Shafir, Risa and Casper explore how to be in relationship with someone who has values that seem diametrically opposed to your own. 

This week we're taking some time to answer real questions from our audience! We touch on questions about disappointment in love, whether it's okay to be late, and setting boundaries.

Casper's life is on a path and generally he's pretty happy with how it's going. But every so often, he likes to fantasize about what it would look like to step off that path. What if, instead of living his normal life, he went on an adventure? What if he spent months traveling the world? Is that just a fantasy or is it something he can really do?

With help from Under the Tuscan Sun and Mary Oliver, Casper and Vanessa explore the fear and excitement tied up with choosing something new.

We got so many questions for our "bad chaplaincy" episode last month, we decided we needed another round! This week, Casper and Vanessa answer your questions about work, exes, and how to know when you're on the right path.

Vanessa's step-daughter is *very* cool. But...is that a good thing? And what is coolness really?

With help from West Side Story and Gone Girl, Vanessa and Casper explore the social capital and social manipulation of coolness.

Dana Schwartz is a #1 New York Times Best Selling author (go read her new book!), top charting podcaster, and Twitter super-star. But still, she sometimes finds herself looking at other writers with feelings of professional jealousy. She doesn’t like that feeling when it comes up, but she doesn’t know what to do about it. 

With help from Nick Jonas and the movie Amadeus, Dana, Vanessa and Casper explore how feelings of inadequacy often lead to jealousy. 

Last fall, Sophie Clark broke up with her long-term partner and it was one of the hardest things she’s ever done. Trying to organize her grief, she began a weekly ritual - lighting candles and journaling about the break-up. But now, several months later, the ritual is feeling a little flat. What can she do to reimagine her practice to better fit where she is now in the grief process? 

With help from Jane Eyre and a William Prince song, Sophie, Vanessa and Casper explore what kind of thoughts and feelings surround a big break-up and what it means to heal. 

At the end of today’s episode, you’ll hear an original song by Sophie! You can hear more of her music here.

Maya Gosh has been in pain for years. She’s been going to doctors, trying to figure out what's going on with her body, but nobody seems to think anything is wrong with her. And lately she’s started to feel like the whole process of trying to get good healthcare is more painful emotionally and psychologically than the physical pain she’s in. Should she stop trying and protect her mental health? Or is that giving up?

With help from Mythbusters and the Liverpool Football Club, Maya, Vanessa and Casper discuss everything that's at stake in trying to get a diagnosis.

Ruth has been a woman their whole life, but that label has never quite felt right. Recently they had an experience where a stranger gendered them “wrongly” and it felt amazing. Since then they’ve been wondering, should they identify as non-binary? 

With help from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night and an article by Tre’vell Anderson, Ruth, Vanessa, and Casper explore the confines of gendered language and the possibilities we have to expand it. 

A few years ago, Lindsay left an abusive relationship. Since then she has almost completely cut her abuser out of her life. But there’s one friend they still share - and that friend is getting married. Lindsay has never talked to her friend about the abuse. But now, with her ex likely invited to the wedding, questions are coming up: Should she tell her friend about the abuse? What if he doesn’t believe her? Or still wants her abuser at his wedding? 

With help from In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado and Hunger by Roxane Gay, Lindsay, Vanessa and Casper discuss strategies for how to be vulnerable when you don’t know how a hard conversation will go. 

Dani has always wanted to live alone. Now, at 28, she’s living the dream. She owns her condo and doesn’t foresee needing a roommate. But looking ahead at the rest of her life, she’s a little worried about what she sees. If she lives alone forever, is she closing the door on an important kind of intimacy and support? 

With help from a song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and a scene from Friends, Dani, Vanessa, and Casper explore society’s expectations around partnership, family and long-term relationships.

Marie-Hélène is the kind of person who changed her major a million times during college. But after a while, this habit started to feel embarrassing. So she made a promise to herself: “I am going to become the kind of person who commits to things and sees them through.” Now she’s been at the same job for seven years and is starting to feel antsy. But she can’t tell - is it because her old habit is rearing its head? Or is it because it’s really time to move on? 

With help from Independent People by Halldór Laxness and The Life of Pi by Yann Martel, Marie-Hélène, Vanessa, and Casper explore hat it means to trust yourself when you feel like sometimes your instincts come from the wrong place.

Sarah Steinberg is passionate about making stop motion animation. It’s so satisfying, she could easily spend hours at a time working a single project. But Sarah also lives with rheumatoid arthritis, which makes her art practice difficult and often quite painful. This worries a lot of her friends, they don’t understand why she insists on having a hobby that’s so hard on her body. How does Sarah explain to them why it feels worth it?

With help from the Lin-Manuel Miranda episode of Song Explorer and an episode of Sherlock, Sarah and Casper explore the balance between passion and pain, and what it means to to love someone with a disability.

Check out Sarah’s amazing work here. 

Anna had her first child during the pandemic and she found her maternity leave to be really isolating and depressing. It was only once she was able to go back to school and work that she felt like herself again. But now she’s pregnant again and starting to get worried about her next maternity leave. What if she feels the same way? 

With help from the The Bright Field by R.S. Thomas and A Line Above the Sky by Helen Mort, Anna, Casper and Vanessa explore the sacrifices and guilt associated with motherhood.

Mariah has filled her life with meaningful friendships. In fact, she bought a house with her best friend and is helping to raise her friend’s kid. Now she’s starting to think about what role a romantic relationship might have in her life, and she’s getting nervous. She knows a romantic partner would take up space in her life, space she doesn’t really have right now. If she wants a romantic partner, what would she have to give up? And would it be worth it? 

With help from the songs Into the Unknown from Frozen 2 and You are My Favorite by Heather Mae, Mariah and Vanessa explore the risks of seeking something new. 

When Rachel was working on her PhD, she always thought she would graduate and work at a science museum. But the pandemic changed her plans, no museums were hiring. But now she’s wondering, was that change forever? Or should she try to work her way back to her passion? 

With help from the show All Creatures Great and Small and the book Ammonite by Nicola Griffith, Rachel, Casper and Vanessa explore the relationship between passion and work. 

Hima’s parents moved to the United States when she was two years old. Her first language was Telugu, but her early teachers encouraged her parents to speak English at home. Now, she’s not entirely fluent. Hima knows that learning the language would probably make her feel closer to her family and her cultural identity – but it feels embarrassing to try, and trying comes with a lot of family baggage. Should she do it? 

With help from Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer and Jane the Virgin, Hima, Casper, and Vanessa explore what meaning language can hold. 

Lily has a boyfriend who she loves. But you know who she doesn’t love? Her boyfriend’s brother. He makes Lily feel small and hurt and honestly angry every time they see each other. But Lily wants to have a good relationship with her boyfriend’s family. So how does she deal with him? 

With help from Sara Bareilles and a scene from Fleabag, Lily, Vanessa, and Casper explore our relationships with in-laws and how to best deal with a bully. 

Vanessa has always had very good instincts about people. But recently she's started to wonder: where does that gut instinct come from inside of her? And how can she make sure her 'gut' is reflecting her wisdom, instead of her prejudices?

With help from Into the Woods and Gilmore Girls, Vanessa and Casper explore how to give people the benefit of the doubt while still being able to trust your instincts.

Casper grew up with a lot of confidence. And as he’s gotten older, that confidence has only been encouraged and solidified by the various privileged identities that he inhabits. Knowing that, he wants to intentionally cultivate a practice of humility. But how do you temper confidence, without crumbing into self doubt? 

With help from the TV show Julia and The Methodist Quadrilateral, Casper and Vanessa explore how to tell the truth in every situation.

With help from Gilmore Girls and the song Closing Time from Semisonic, Vanessa and Casper explore the grief of endings and share about their upcoming projects. You can find out more about The Nearness at https://www.thenearness.coop/. Should I Quit will premiere in late October. If you’d like to be on the show, you can submit here.